


The Speed Of Pain

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Episode Related, Gap Filler, Points of View, Season/Series 01, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-01
Updated: 2006-01-01
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:25:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: "The night Justin was bashed, and I called you and you were about to get  on a plane. And you came here and you sat with me for 3 days, waiting to see if he's gonna live or dieâ€¦"





	The Speed Of Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

  
Author's notes: All my love and thanks goes to : _Kat_ , because she beta`d this thing and she just rocks :), and _Stace_ simply because I love her to pieces. :D Feedback would be deeply appreciated, people. ;) Happy New Year to everyone!!! *grins*  


* * *

**_I. DENIAL_**

 

His pale body lies motionless, and never before in your life have you felt this useless and lost. Heartbreaking screams cut into your tilted reality, until you realize...it’s actually you. And it doesn't matter how many times you blink, because there is no waking up from this nightmare.

 

You watch as his life slips down the garage drains, the violent red staining your disbelieving fingers. Five minutes ago, you found out that ignorance really **is** a blessing. And _so_ desperately, you try to cling to that feeling of bliss, while fearing that you will never be able to hold him in your arms again.

 

The wail of the sirens pierce through the night, while you hopelessly try to convince yourself.

 

_This is not happening._

***

**  
_II. ANGER_  
**

 

What you really want to do is hit something. Pummel it into the ground and make it hurt so bad. Hurt it, like he...you are hurting right now. And your fingers twitch in frustration, trying to make sense of it all. Your heart tries to do the same.

 

"No, I'm not going anywhere, Michael." You rasp, while the blinding white walls start to grey and die. And you can't do anything but close your eyes, before it swallows you whole.

 

"Bri, he'll be in there for hours. Don't you want something to take your mind off of things?"

 

His intentions are good, you guess, but it's common fucking knowledge, that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

"God, Michael! I don't fucking **WANT** to take my mind off of this! Don't you get it? He's all -…"

 

And you realize, that nothing else needs to be said. 

 

He **is** _all_.

***

**  
_III. DEPRESSION_  
**

 

Nineteen long hours into the night, you feel like you're stranded at sea. You breathe and stare at the same fucking wall, until your eyes start to burn and your muscles ache. As his blood seeps deep under your skin, quietly marking you for years to come, you fall down into the abyss of your own mind, never to find your way home again.

 

When Deb comes and hugs you too damn close, so close, that you can't really breathe, you can’t even utter a word. 

 

You are weightless. 

 

And the grey walls just keep on closing in on you.

***

**  
_IV. ANXIETY_  
**

 

You feel the weight of Emmett's arm around your shoulders, but it's not the one you want. And reality's telling you, that you might never get your heart's desire.

 

"Honey, give that thing here. You've been tearing up that poor cup for the last four hours. Try to relax, ok? They will tell us if something changes."

 

And the awful truth is, you've been trying to. For the last thirty six hours, to be exact.

 

You stretch your long legs, spread your arms out wide, and close your eyes. If only for a moment.

 

You almost feel like you could actually survive this. Then, his bright smile flashes beneath your eyelids, white silk and all, and everything around you crumbles to dust in a blink of an eye. Your skin has never felt tighter, colder. Emptier. And you wish, that you could just lay your head down and cry your eyes out. Maybe even stop the burn that eats you up inside. That painful itch somewhere close to your tired bones.

 

And then, you'd just sleep. Forever.

***

**  
_V. GUILT_  
**

 

You know the truth now. You've been so blind for so fucking long! And it's been staring you straight in the face. Only thing that makes sense.

 

If you didn't -… You should've never - _...God… It's all your fault._

 

All because of him. Your one weakness, your one weak spot. And you'd hate yourself so much now, if he wasn't so damn happy, when you came. And all that you really, selfishly wanted was to feel that warm sun on your lonely skin.

 

Just this once.

 

But you should've known it wasn't meant to be. Not for you. You're simply not worth it. Never were. Everyone but him seems to know that already.

***

**  
_VI. RESOLUTION_  
**

 

Sixty five hours ago, _you_ almost died. But he pulled through. He is breathing on his own. Finally. And you can feel something coming to life inside of you too. Something new and completely unfamiliar. Something you'd never thought you'd know or recognize. And you swear to yourself, that he'll have you by his side every step of the way. No matter what.

 

You promise that to yourself and you never break any promises. 

 

And you'll give him all that he wants. You'll knit his broken bones, heal all his open wounds. You want to, because…he's alive.

 

You sigh to yourself. _He's alive_.


End file.
